


Lemons, Eber! Lemonade!

by Bexless



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-30
Updated: 2011-07-30
Packaged: 2017-10-21 23:39:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/231156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bexless/pseuds/Bexless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So Brad (Adam Lambert's ex-boyfriend, first love, YouTube sensation, etc) went to visit Neil (Adam's younger brother, professional Little Shit) in New York recently, and there was much tweeting about enforced musicals and Journey. Then Neil tweeted this morning about how everyone's getting pregnant.</p><p>Then...well, I know you can already guess what's coming. I DON'T KNOW. Somehow it is Aja's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lemons, Eber! Lemonade!

**Author's Note:**

> /o\ This is a new low even for me, isn't it :( It's not betaed because I didn't want to sully anyone else's name.

"You're _what_?" Adam yelled into the phone, and Brad cackled and repeated himself, and so Adam called Lane and told her to get Neil's ass on a plane to LA, and they all met up at Adam's house to talk.

Well. 'Talk.'

"How can you be pregnant?" Neil yelled at Brad, windmilling his arms. "You're a man!"

Brad twirled a little in his seat. "I am many things," he sing-songed, buffing his nails against his shirt. "And don't even think you're running out on me, Mister, I expect child support."

"I don't have any money!" Neil yelled, windmilling some more. "You don't have a womb!"

"I can't believe you had sex with Brad," Adam said. His hands were going numb where he was sitting on them, but if he moved he was going to break somebody's jaw, he could just feel it. "With _Brad_ , Neil, you really couldn't find anyone to lose your gay virginity to other than _Brad_?"

Neil made an epically wounded sound and sank down in his chair, head in his hands. "I don't know how it happened. He tricked me."

Brad snorted. "Oh, that's original. Assholes have been using that to shirk their parental duties forever, jackass, it's not gonna fly with me."

"He kept singing Journey!" Neil said wildly, lunging suddenly out of his seat and onto his knees next to Adam. "I - I got confused. Adam, you gotta help me fix this."

"What the _fuck_ ," Adam said icily, "do you think I can possibly do to help?"

Neil ran his hands through his hair, looking crazily around the room. "I don't know! Convince him to get rid of it!"

"Excuse me?" said Brad, leaping up and putting his hands on his hips. "Are you out of your mind? As if I would ever!"

"Don't tell me you're pro-life-"

"No, bitch, I'm the world's first biological male to get _pregnant_." Brad raised his arms out to the side, closing his eyes and smiling. Blissfully, he said, "I'm gonna be more famous than God."

Neil staggered up from his knees and paced the room a little, moaning under his breath. "Adam, this isn't my fault, it's – he's some kind of succubus or something and you can't really blame me for-"

"Yaaargh!" Adam yelled, and jumped out of his chair and punched Neil in the face as hard as he could.

"Oh, boys," said Brad, sidestepping neatly so Neil's flailing body didn't hit him on the way to the floor. "No need to fight over little old me."

"You hit me!" Neil yelled, rolling around clutching his face.

"I'm not surprised, you little shit, I'd be doing a lot worse than that!" yelled Adam's Dad, storming into the room and hauling Neil up onto his feet. "What the hell is wrong with you, Neil? Didn't I teach you two to always use condoms? _Always_?"

Neil blinked. "But I thought that was just for girls."

"Hey!" said Adam, looking up from his hand. It really hurt. "You douche, I need safe sex too."

"And apparently you're the only one who got the message, unlike your total drooling _moron_ of a brother," said Dad, which made Adam preen a little in Neil's direction. Dad shook Neil by the shoulders. "I told you Lambert men were extremely virile. Didn't I tell you that? Didn't I?"

"Several times," Neil scowled, trying to fight out of Dad's grip. "It was excruciating."

"It was for your protection!" Dad yelled, and then the door banged open again and Mom stormed in and went right over to Neil and slapped his face.

"Yeah!" said Adam, doing a fist pump with his good hand.

"You slept with your brother's boyfriend?" she yelled in Neil's face.

"Ex-boyfriend," said Adam and Brad together. Adam added hurriedly, "Not that it makes a difference though, right Mom?"

"I could just kill you!" Mom shouted at Neil.

"Get in line!" bellowed Dad.

Mom turned on her heel and came hurrying over to Adam. "Are you okay, sweetie?" she said, drawing him into a hug.

"No," Adam said into her shoulder. "Neil fucked Brad and then he hurt my fist with his face."

"Oh, precious boy," Mom cooed, and took his hand so she could kiss the back of it.

"Neil's a jerk," Adam went on, putting a little wobble into his pout. "He's so insensitive, Mom, I mean really if you think about it this is worse for me than anyone and he doesn't care about anyone but himself."

Mom looked up at him for a moment, stroking his hand thoughtfully. Then she slapped him across the face too.

"Ow!" Adam yelped, skittering backwards out of arm-span. "What was that for?"

"What wasn't it for?" Mom snapped, and marched over to Brad, who was watching the whole thing from his perch on one of Adam's kitchen stools, grinning like he'd won a prize. "Brad, honey, how are you holding up?"

"I'm fabulous, Leila darling, how are you?" said Brad, accepting Mom's hug and kiss on the cheek. He held her at arm's length and looked at her critically. "Loving the hair."

"Thank you," Leila smiled. "I wasn't sure about the lowlights at first."

"No, they're gorgeous, you look stunning as always. I hope I have a baby girl so she can inherent those genes!"

"Oh God," Dad groaned, and let go of Neil so he could wobble his way down into a chair. He gripped the edge of the table and looked over at Mom as all the color drained from his face. "I'm not old enough to be a grandfather, Leila. I'm just not ready."

"Well, I'm not ready to push a human out of my butt," said Brad, waving his hand. "Lemons, Eber! Lemonade!"

"....Oh God," Adam groaned, and wobbled into the chair next to his Dad. Neil didn't even say anything, he was just standing there staring into space, periodically shaking his head and making a mournful, wordless noise.

The door banged again. This time Lane and Roger ran in, both wearing identical hysterical expressions. " _What?_ ," they said at the same time, both doing the Disaster Jazz Hands they only broke out when Adam had forgotten to ask a new playmate for proof of age, or inadvertently encouraged the Devil to possess several teenagers during a concert in New Mexico.

"Yeah," said Adam glumly. He let his head rest on the table. He needed a drink.

Neil slid into the other chair, then. He was holding a bottle of Adam's best whiskey. He took a deep slug and then passed it over to Adam, who downed about a quarter of it one go.

"Thanks," he said to Neil, voice rasping a little. "Sorry I punched you in the face."

"Sorry I knocked up the love of your life," said Neil, taking the whiskey back. He took a drink and passed it over to their Dad.

"...I'm not sorry I punched you in the face," said Adam.

"Yeah," said Neil, and sighed.


End file.
